Sunday, October 19, 2008

Illogical affection

On an Asperger's Syndrome message board, someone recently posted about the problem that he called "illogical affection." He was referring to feelings that people with AS can develop toward others who may not be true friends, but are just being polite and socially friendly. The problem we face is that we usually can't tell the difference. I know that, for a while, I became so closed off to any sign of affection that I was totally alone, because I had just learned that not everyone who was nice to my face was really my friend. It's still something I struggle with. For a long time I latched onto any guy I liked who showed a bit of interest, and, even when he made it clear that he just wanted a casual relationship, if I liked him and he gave me an indication that he also liked me, I got very attached very fast. It took a long period of reflection for me to realize that, not only did these guys not want to be with me in the long term, I probably wouldn't have liked them at all if my head hadn't been sent in a haze at the first show of affection. But now that I have Anthony, I don't worry about that as much anymore. However, since I still can't always tell who's being genuinely nice and who's just being polite, and what guys are just trying to get my pants off (although that one can be painfully obvious), it's still hard for me to trust people. It's so easy for me to get swept up by someone being friendly, after years of being alone and an inability to understand social cues, that I don't always recognize who is a true friend and who might be talking about me behind my back. Of course, as a result, middle school and high school, where false friendship and backstabbing are common practices, were when I fell into my deepest depressions and developed a severe mistrust of others that bordered on paranoia. Luckily, due to some good recent experiences, my social barrier is starting to fall down.
In other social craziness news, Rapture got shut down by the cops last night. One of the officers told us that it wasn't because of our activities, but because of regulations for residential areas. In my conspiratorial mind, I tend to think that one of the more squeamish neighbors got wind of what was going on (or has an overactive imagination) and called in with a bogus complaint. Because we've never had anything like this happen before. But I'm not about to go all Timothy McVeigh and start bombing government buildings because I feel this is an infringement of my privacy, though it does seem a bit silly. And it didn't help that one idiot at the party was following an officer around, asking questions. Like that wouldn't make things worse. But all in all, it wasn't too bad. No one got arrested, we weren't rushed out of the building, and only the owner of the property will be charged. The lead officer joked that he and the other cops were just "hired muscle" and that, if he took out his handcuffs, he'd be there all night. At least now I can say that I was at a party that got busted by the cops.
With Halloween coming up, very few things can dampen my spirits. Still, I don't know what my costume will be yet. And with Anthony accompanying me to the Halloween festivities, I need a costume that will include him. Bound will be having their annual Hell Ball on Halloween night, with a haunted fun house beforehand. I hope I can make it to both, but I will be at Bound that night to see all the crazy outfits, including Maverick's Charles Manson costume. Halloween: the greatest time of the year.

No comments: