Monday, September 25, 2006

Dragging my feet

I wanted to go to Entre Nous last Saturday, but by the end of the day all I wanted to do was lie around in bed. I can't figure out why I've felt so tired lately. It's unfortunate, because there's so much I want to do, write, meet up with friends, that I just haven't felt like doing. Maybe the sluggishness is an extension of the depression. There are places I'm afraid to go because I might run into a certain someone, someone I can't stand the sight of right now. Once I get over this (something I should have gotten over immediately), I'll probably get my energy back. But this whole man-mess has proven somewhat useful for my writing, providing an outlet to figure all this out. What I can't figure out is why this one guy got to me like he did, when I have had similar casual relationships with other guys that have ended without so much as a second glance from either of us. Through my more logical eyes, I see that this guy was hardly something special, we were barely compatible, except physically. But like I said, I've had other relationships like that, but they didn't end with me such a mess.
So, to the Bound crowd again; you very likely will not be seeing me for a while. At least until I find out what this guy did to take up space in my mind he had no right occupying, and by figuring this out, try to destroy it. Then I should be okay. Or until then, just remember what an asshole this guy was, and that, like a friend told me at SMB, I shouldn't have to chase after anyone. Maybe it's my old self-loathing kicking in again. Despite all the guys who clearly want me (but I don't want most of them, therein lies the problem), the one who doesn't is tearing me up inside. I wonder why the bad things are always more powerful than the good.
But on a good note, I got a message on MySpace from someone who had read my blogs and, in response, called me "brilliant." Though this one falls into the "whiny" category, it was nice to hear.
I will be leaving work soon, and going home. New Prison Break tonight. Being without a boyfriend, the men of Prison Break are all I have.

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