Friday, October 20, 2006

Going out tonight

But at the rate I'm going, I might not make it. I am tired, as I have been all week, and haven't exactly been productive at work. But I think I need to get out, and I have a date with a new guy, who hopefully won't turn out to be like the assholes I usually manage to meet: "I've only known callous love" -Bob Dylan
And yet, I still think about this one other guy, up in Boston, who I can never be with due to outside circumstances (it's complicated, don't ask). I know I need to find someone else, and I'm trying, but I can't stop thinking about him. When I was going through my recent guy trouble (which did not convince me that there are good guys out there), all I could think about was the one I left, who can't be with me, and how he would make it all better if we could just be together. Maybe I'm just clinging to him because I'm afraid to meet new people. On some level I am, who isn't nervous around someone new? But I guess it does afflict me more strongly than others. I look down when I walk, just to avoid eye contact with those passing by. I can't stand it when people try to talk to me on the Metro. I have a few people who I'm comfortable with, and I try to remind myself that they were also strangers to me at one point, but it doesn't help. But I've met one more new person, and hopefully this will work out. The times we've talked I guess I've been okay, but I'm always wondering what I should say next. A friend said I think too much before I talk, that I'm too worried about saying the wrong thing. I know everyone says stupid things, and usually the person they're talking to just laughs it off, but it still worries me.
We're going to a party tonight, where I'll know at least a few people, so maybe I'll be okay. It's a pre-Halloween party, and since I don't have a costume yet (I'm open to suggestions for a costume for next weekend), I decided to recycle my outfit from SMB, which seemed to go over well (the short black dress with my cleavage hanging out, and a velvet cape). Tonight should be fun. I just have to wake up first.

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